AM I COMPULSIVE?
Good Question and one that I've been thinking about for some time now. According to Dictionary.com the definition of compulsive is:
|Psychology. a person whose behavior is governed by a compulsion.|
Ok, that wasn't too insightful, let's try this again by delving into the meaning of compulsion:
|Psychology. a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.|
Good, now we're getting somewhere. Some might say that my need to make a living by playing poker would be good a representation of the psychological definition of compulsion. But honestly that's not what's on my mind today as I sit down to write this column. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that I am not considering what I do for a living, though it is highly irrational and most likely contrary to at least the good will of my life when I talk about my compulsive behaviors might sum it up.
Ahh, but I digress. If you stumbled upon my last thought of the week (albeit it was two weeks ago - so much for the title of the column) you will see that I am working on self actualization and becoming a better human being and all that kind of stuff. And believe you me, I need to be working on living a better life. And that's what got me to thinking about being compulsive. See, ever since I got here to Vegas, I have kind of let myself slip into some very bad and destructive habits. Especially with my consumption of alcohol. And my consumption became compulsive, much like it did when I lived in Orlando, FL for 9 months. I moved down there right after I finished my undergrad degree and I really fell off the deep end. Moving away from home a second time and reaching the same result made me realize that I have this self destruct gene hiding somewhere in me. And when my life lacks structure, that demon likes to slowly poke his head out and go on to consume my life. I honestly think I don't have a drinking problem, but I'm sure 99.99% of problem drinkers feel that way. I think my problem stems back to feelings of self worth and symptoms of depression. Things I really don't want to delve into here and now, I just reference them for the basis why I repeatedly have self destructed. And if that is one form of compulsion, then I figured there must be a flip side to it as well.
I go through these spurts in life where I just degen it up for a period of time and then I totally flip the script and start living life the way I really feel it should be lived. I've entered that period in my life once again. As I sit here and write this today, I have achieved my daily goals for the past 3 days of working out. Sounds silly and simple but believe me when you go from drinking almost every day to putting the stuff down, not thinking about, and having most of your waking thoughts consumed by planning your training sessions it's like I've gone through an exorcism of sorts. I make it sound more dramatic than what it actually is, but I'm a writer so deal with it. I need to use imagery every now and then God damnit. Anyway, I'm like totally addicted to working out now. I went through this stage about 2 years back when I signed on to manage a small gym in Bellmawr, NJ and went on to get into maybe the best shape of my life. Rebecca deserves that guy back in her life, so I am going to use my compulsion for good not evil and hopefully with the support and backing of my friends I'll be able to walk the line.
An added bonus is I feel so much better about myself and it will reflect in my play. When you build self confidence, it transcends the gym. I know I will begin to trust my reads more and have the follow through to make a risky play when I believe it is the right time to do so. Also, being in better shape with help with my stamina and mental focus. In essence, this should help my career. At the very least, in a couple of months I'll be able to sit by the pool and look good while doing so.
Oh, did I mention I weighed in at 195.8 lbs yesterday. I should be at 165 lbs for my height and build. Guess I got a lot of work to do. I'll keep you up to date on my progress and I am now accountable to all of you that read this. Feel free to kick me in the ass when I slack and slap me on the back when the boy done good.